I haven’t wrote any blog regarding my father since he died last December 20, 2014.
I even not cry so hard because I dont want my family to see me crying. So ironic that in this day, I remember my father.
My father is not a typical father who takes care of us like serving us or giving us all our needs. He is a simple father who spent lots of time outside our house and talked to many people. He was not a typical dad who went to school graduations or school programs to watch us performed on stage. He’s not also the type of father wont take time asking his children how are we. He rather tend to show not concern at us. He even dont memorize all our birthdays and special days in life. He didnt even care to buy one gift for us, not a single one. He even threw a hot iron to my brother because he was mad, he even yelled at us without saying anything.
For some point of view, he was not a perfect dad to dream to have. But somehow, God gave us a father like him for us to know something.
I remember, it was my graduation and I know we dont have enough money to celebrate my graduation, the night before my graduation, I asked my father about something…this is how the scenario was…
Me: Pa, graduation ko bukas, kulang pera ko pamasahe.
Papa: Eh walang pera, kaya saka ka na maggraduation.
That exact words made me cry and felt unimportant to him. But I understand him. Since then, everytime I have money, I see to it I always help my family. Giving all their needs, paying all the bills and more.
But what’s the point of this blog, well, during his sufferings from lung cancer, I started to think why it happened? I started to question God why, it’s okay that my father shows no concern at us but seeing him suffer in sickness, it was so painful. But being the eldest child, I tend to show no emotions, act like a strong one and didnt bother myself to be emotional because I have to show my siblings and mother that God has a purpose why it all happened.
Until December 20, 2014 around 4am, he left us. He died while sleeping. That was the most painful part of my life, to lose one beloved family member. The one who gave us his name. The one who became God’s instrument for us to be born here on earth. During his wake, people cant see my emotions, I just hide everything up until now, those hurts and pains of losing a father.
Since he died last December, I knew that there will be a big changes in the family. There was a big emptiness in the family. He, being my father, I am not that too close to him to open up everything but there are unique ways how we talked, he’s very quiet person, as I said, he rather spent time with others than us but I wont take it for granted when he worked hard for us, to feed us in his little ways.
My father was so different to what my ideal father dream to have. But one thing I realized after he died, that God gave each other a very unique qualities for us to learn to depend to God. How? Simple. It’s like God didnt gave us the perfect father because God wants us to see God as our ultimate Father, a perfect father we wanted is in God. He even didnt give me a rich dad to realize that God, as my father in heaven can provide all my needs. He didnt even give me a perfect listening father because God wanted me to tell everything in Him because God listens. God didnt give me a father who remembers my birthday because God wants me to learn His promises that He knows every strands of my hair and even the number of my days here on earth. God didnt allow me to be too close to my father because He wants me to draw near to Him more than to people.
With all that, though there’s a big emptiness in my heart, God is ready to fill that emptiness.
Though his pressence was really missing, I know God has plans for us. His death will forever be a memory for us. Those days we spent together, those trials that made our family stronger and united. Those times we had an arguments, times we shouted at each other and time we forgave and listened to one another. Those were the memories soon be filled the emptiness.
Today, as the world celebrate Father’s Day, I maybe offer a simple prayer for him and for us his family. Though we are in the midst of big trials now, our God is bigger than all those trials.
To Papa, wherever you are, we all hope that you are happy. Though we are in big trouble now, we believe by God’s grace, we are able to see God’s love, miracles, blessings and even protection to be upon us.
We miss you, Pa. Til we meet again. We love you. Thank you for being our father and family.
“Yung pain na ayaw mo maramdaman, kaya tinuruan mo ang sarili mo na maging manhid sa lahat ng bagay at ung pains na hangga’t maaari ayaw mo malaman ng tao na minsan naiiyak ka kasi wala na ang tatay mo. Ung feeling na lahat ikaw na inaaasahan kasi dati kahit papano meron pang gumagawa ng way pag may need sa family, ngayon ung ako na lang lahat.” -this is how I exactly felt now.
#fathersday #rippapa #missingyoupapa 😥👨👩👧👦🙏🙏🙏